World Health
Organization defines depression as "a common illness worldwide, with more
than 300 million people affected. Depression is different from usual mood
fluctuations and short-lived emotional responses to challenges in everyday
life. Especially when long-lasting and with moderate or severe intensity,
depression may become a serious health condition. It can cause the affected
person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and in the
family. At its worst, depression can lead to suicide. Close to 800,000 people die
due to suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in
15-29-year-olds."
I can only talk about
depression from my own experience so I would appreciate your understanding.
When Dad was diagnosed
with stage 4 colon cancer in September 2017, the whole family went from denial
stage to depression. I myself couldn't believe that it could hit a person
that's known with a strong immune system until I, myself witnessed his health
deteriorating.
It was excrutiating,
really. My friend who had a similar situation became my manual and she told be
what to expect and whatnot.
I was confused.
Everything went extra stressful including work not to mention my attitude
towards friends and colleagues. I wasn't sure if things normally became more
difficult or I was just vulnerable. I guess until today, I still don't have the
answer.
I am a strong person. I
had a lot of struggles in life that no one could've experienced. I am strong
because I survived (and still surviving). I know that some people are having
worst but let's not compare more and just leave it right here.
But when Dad died, I
forgot how strong I was. I can still remember his last moments when he even had
the energy to ask me "ito na ba ang feeling ng naghihingalo?"
I answered him
"yes daddy, yan na siguro yun.." without dropping a tear.
Crying is not a thing
for our family. I wasn't raised like that. We were not vocal and showy with our
emotions either. We curse, we give tough love, but we don't show our weaknesses.
But during that
specific moment, my heart was crushing, my whole body was in pain. But I had to
contain my emotions because there's another person struggling with me in that
same room. She never asked helped from me but I felt it and that was the least
I could do. I always thought I got my strong heart from Dad but I guess Mom is
stronger.
After Dad's funeral, I
went back to work immediately because I was afraid. I was afraid to face the
reality. I was afraid to feel weak. I was afraid to grieve.
Then I realized, I was
depressed. The day when the 1st tear dropped after Dad's passing, that was the
day I started to feel everything.
I felt alone. I guess I
got tired of being strong. I didn't want anybody's support. I wasn't open for
anything. I went back to black. I thought that nobody will ever understand the
pain until it's there time to feel it too.
Because when Dad died,
I felt like I died with him too.
I started questioning
things. I wanted to hate everyone. I wanted to talk to God in person and ask
Him why. I wanted to hate Him too. I got mad.
I also didn't
understand why some people get to be happy around me while I'm at my lowest
point of my life.
I fell flat on the
ground hitting the rock bottom. I was done.
But God was NOT.
While I admitted to
myself the depression part, He must've felt it too. More confusing days came
and so I went back praying. I realized that if nobody could really help me,
then it's just me to help myself. Because while I couldn't keep my sheets dry,
the world will still revolve and life must still go on.
"But please
promise to forgive yourself for all the choices you thought were good for you,
for following your heart even if it was against the will of people around you,
for all the times you felt weak and at rock-bottom." - Thought Catalog
I learned to forgive
myself and opened my heart to forgive others as well. I also learned that not
everyone can really understand what I'm going through but I need to give them a
chance to absorb things and be a help during my bad days.
I'm not afriad to die.
The scary part is knowing that every love one will die too.
But there's heaven. And
I know its real.
Months later, I guess
I'm feeling better. I may cry again later, tomorrow, or the next day.. but I
know I'm stronger.
I will never be as
normal as I was before but who cares about being normal anyway? I will always
miss Dad but I know everytime I think of him, he will just be in my heart to
comfort me.
Happier days will come.
I claim it!
Like Rainbows :-)
