I can only talk about depression from my own experience so I would appreciate your understanding.
When Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in September 2017, the whole family went from denial stage to depression. I myself couldn't believe that it could hit a person that's known with a strong immune system until I, myself witnessed his health deteriorating.
It was excrutiating, really. My friend who had a similar situation became my manual and she told be what to expect and whatnot.
I was confused. Everything went extra stressful including work not to mention my attitude towards friends and colleagues. I wasn't sure if things normally became more difficult or I was just vulnerable. I guess until today, I still don't have the answer.
I am a strong person. I had a lot of struggles in life that no one could've experienced. I am strong because I survived (and still surviving). I know that some people are having worst but let's not compare more and just leave it right here.
But when Dad died, I forgot how strong I was. I can still remember his last moments when he even had the energy to ask me "ito na ba ang feeling ng naghihingalo?"
I answered him "yes daddy, yan na siguro yun.." without dropping a tear.
Crying is not a thing for our family. I wasn't raised like that. We were not vocal and showy with our emotions either. We curse, we give tough love, but we don't show our weaknesses.
But during that specific moment, my heart was crushing, my whole body was in pain. But I had to contain my emotions because there's another person struggling with me in that same room. She never asked helped from me but I felt it and that was the least I could do. I always thought I got my strong heart from Dad but I guess Mom is stronger.
After Dad's funeral, I went back to work immediately because I was afraid. I was afraid to face the reality. I was afraid to feel weak. I was afraid to grieve.
Then I realized, I was depressed. The day when the 1st tear dropped after Dad's passing, that was the day I started to feel everything.
I felt alone. I guess I got tired of being strong. I didn't want anybody's support. I wasn't open for anything. I went back to black. I thought that nobody will ever understand the pain until it's there time to feel it too.
Because when Dad died, I felt like I died with him too.
I started questioning things. I wanted to hate everyone. I wanted to talk to God in person and ask Him why. I wanted to hate Him too. I got mad.
I also didn't understand why some people get to be happy around me while I'm at my lowest point of my life.
I fell flat on the ground hitting the rock bottom. I was done.
But God was NOT.
While I admitted to myself the depression part, He must've felt it too. More confusing days came and so I went back praying. I realized that if nobody could really help me, then it's just me to help myself. Because while I couldn't keep my sheets dry, the world will still revolve and life must still go on.
"But please promise to forgive yourself for all the choices you thought were good for you, for following your heart even if it was against the will of people around you, for all the times you felt weak and at rock-bottom." - Thought Catalog
I learned to forgive myself and opened my heart to forgive others as well. I also learned that not everyone can really understand what I'm going through but I need to give them a chance to absorb things and be a help during my bad days.
I'm not afriad to die. The scary part is knowing that every love one will die too.
But there's heaven. And I know its real.
Months later, I guess I'm feeling better. I may cry again later, tomorrow, or the next day.. but I know I'm stronger.
I will never be as normal as I was before but who cares about being normal anyway? I will always miss Dad but I know everytime I think of him, he will just be in my heart to comfort me.
Happier days will come. I claim it!
Like Rainbows :-)